Karabasan...or Not? Part 2

When I turned 20 years old, things became more... Complicated. Even though I told my mother that something was not right, she did not believe me. She told me to pray to ALLAH (I am a Muslima), and all would be fine. Well, I prayed every night before going to bed, but it would not work at all. Maybe I had distrust in my heart, maybe I was too scared. I don't know.

Then my mother decided we should move out of this apartment when an old knife, in the style of Ottoman, fell right in front of her feet, which should not be possible at all. The horse head of the knife was broken in two, when it fell.

So we are living here in this new apartment since about 3 years. Until 2 and a half years ago, everything was fine. I could even close my door, when I went to bed... Until I shook at night again.

We Turkish people believe in the "Karabasan", maybe also known as "boogeyman" but... Different. When I would sleep, I would wake up at night and stare everywhere with the feeling as if being watched. My heart raced. And since I am near-sighted I could not clearly see anything but I am still able to see the differences in color and forms. But at night, everything seems to be black, dark blue or gray. I only saw something black move slightly, but was unsure if it was my imagination or reality. Then I became so scared, near at the verge of panic. I shifted to lie on my back. When it moved again, I tried to scream, to call my mother. But I could not. I felt my lips moving, but no sound came out. I felt like someone was lying or sitting on me, choking my lungs. Today, I know it as a Sleep Paralysis. But does this shi* hurt? I mean... Really?

I prayed to ALLAH, but it did not go away. My heart raced so strongly I thought it would stop any moment. And with the first rays of daylight, the weight disappeared and I was able to stand up. I ran straight to the bathroom and stared to my face. I had lost every bit of color in my face. I told my mother and she told me that I should pray to ALLAH and curse the devil and it would go away.

The next night, the same thing. From that night on, I would have these visits from "Karabasan" at least 3 times every week. And it went, when I cursed the devil with all of my heart. The rest of the night I would spend watching TV, simply to not go to bed again. I even slept with my mother or sisters. But that stopped oneday...

And then, two years ago, that one year is like a blur to me. I do not remember exactly everything. But I was, apparently, a very different person.

There are so many different things which happened to me. But no one listened to me, because they do not want to hear anything bad or get too much involved in these kind of things...

To be honest, I cannot even blame them... But I would still listen to them and try to help. They just lived with my fear and sometimes strong aggressions or sudden stillness... But the aggressions are no longer as strong as when I was in the other apartment. But this time, I was being more quiet than anything. In that year, I became so quiet that I completely shut myself from the outside world and my family.

In that year, this told me my younger sister:

That my mother would cry every night because she was scared of and for me. No one understood my problem. They thought I was in a depression and would say "no" to go to a psychiatrist. When I was outside my home, I was again happy, like every normal girl... But quiet again when I am in my home, I was as quiet as a dead one... I did not even talk anymore. My vocabulary was reduced to only "Yes" and "No" or a "Hm."

My older sister even picked on me because of that. She said a woman talks every day about 2,000 words and a man talks about 1,000. But I would talk not even 30 words. She also said that I would sometimes just stare at them and leave their presence to get back to my room or throw a fit and still go to my room.

I had mood swings. From very happy to very aggressive in between a few seconds with no reason...

2011 was so complicated, I cannot even tell you exactly what events there were. I remember only these few events at night. I do not even remember my 23th birthday or anyone else's. Only sitting, sleeping, working, sometimes eating or drinking and feeling drained of energy.

Over a year ago, this I remember because I never felt something like this... I sat on my bed, looking at the flowers on my wall as if they were new. My door was open because my mother insisted on it. And then she watched a Turkish TV Series. In that series (I even learned later the name of the series) I heard prayers. I became suddenly so aggressive that my head began to hurt like hell. My eyes lost even their focus for a moment, and I thought only, "The stupid wench shall shut that sh*t off!" My head hurt more and more, until I nearly fell over. But I did not scream, I just breathed harshly, but it sounded like growling from the throat... It was weird, hearing something like that. But I really thought I would die. And when the prayer ended on TV, I stood up, as if I never had a headache... I felt lighter. I went to my mother and looked at her. She did not see me, too focused on TV, and I thought I would leave her alone to let her watch the series.

After that, I got a new job with a higher wage. Everything seemed to get better. Until...

We were readying ourselves for vacation in Turkey (April 2013). My cousin wanted to get married and my older sister would be her maid of honor. A few days before we went to Turkey happened the most scary thing I have ever seen in my life. I stood up at about 3 or 4 o'clock because I felt, as always, being watched. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and get a clear mind. And since I did not think I could sleep again, I would start to get ready for work.

When I left the bathroom, I walked to the kitchen. But as always, I would look into the living room where our rabbits were, due to cold weather or snow. And 2013 was very cold here in Switzerland! I stood still, when I saw a shadow in front of the balcony door, right beside the white couch, which could be seen very clearly due to its lack of color... I know, that light shone through that particular door because of the lanterns outside, bur there was a shadow standing about 3-4 meters in front of me! In the form of a teenager girl. It was just black. I could not move. I swear I was, the very first time, scared shi*less... It was not like: Just run away! Or SCREAM! No, one is too shocked to do anything. And right then, it disappeared, and my rabbits ran in circles in their cage.

I did no longer think of that...shadow... And switched on the light to the living room and tried to calm my babies... After that, I left the lights on and went to work. I told no one about this, like many other things from the past, which I should have. But to whom?

I do not expect of anyone who reads this to believe me. I am not as religious as when I was younger, though. I do not know what is going on. Is it a Poltergeist, is it a Jinn, is it just a ghost, or Karabasan or whatever? I know not. But it feels good to tell anyone who might care. It is freeing to "talk" about it...

Thank you for reading this poorly written story. I wanted to write it in German or Turkish, but I somehow felt that the Turkish people would just tell me, I should go to a imam or hoca. I did not want that, because here in Switzerland is no hoca, whom I would want to trust...

If German, they would read it just for the "kick" of it. If anyone is there who could give me some hints I would most appreciate it. Just in case, when everything would go back to the old...

Thank you.