From The Beginning

I have lived in Alaska all of my life. My family mainly lives in California. My cousin that I barely knew died last night. I have always had weird feelings like I'm being watched or someone is always with me. I had gone to a shrink even and did many tests because I thought I was going crazy. But to the medical world I am a 100% healthy 21 year old female.

I have always believed in everything because why not believe in something that hasn't been disproven or proven. It seems that I have always known more about people then they let on. I have a special friend as I call him because whatever it is has been has been with me for many years, maybe since I was 7 or 8. I don't feel like it's a good thing, whatever it is.

I have always had sleepless nights. I am reaching out and talking about it because it's getting worse over the years.

The first person that I have ever seen that isn't with us anymore would be my uncle. My uncle Johnny died when he was 18. He is my dad's twin brother. I had never met him. I was about 9 or 10, I was asleep, as always parents check in on their children when they are sleeping. I had a white bunk bed and I had always put up blankets around my bunk bed because I felt safer I guess. That morning, I have no idea what time it was, I woke up and all the blankets were gone and there was a man staring out my window. He looked like my father but not at the same time. I said "Dad." This person didn't look at him like he was used to being ignored. I guess my gut told me to get out of my room so I ran out of my room went into my dad's room and saw he was still sleeping. I have no idea how I did it but I poked my head around the corner of my room and the man was still standing right there and the name popped in my head "Johnny." I said the name out loud at that moment and the person looked at me and smiled like a wow smile I guess and I felt more safe then I ever have and he was gone.

The night my great grandmother died at 3:36am I woke up because I heard a loud bang and in a moment my great grandma popped in my head and it was her smiling and then she was gone. The next day I had found out that my great grandmother had died, falling out of her bed from the side effects of her stroke and hit her head.

My main experience was with my uncle Paul. My uncle Paul was my other father, me and him were very close. He had gotten really sick and was having repeated heart attacks in the hospital. I woke up at 4:46am having a panic attack, crying my eyes out and pleading with god not to take my uncle from me. I had fallen asleep from freaking out and had a dream. It was my uncle and we were in his backyard in California. He loved his garden and his yard and he was talking to me telling me that he loved me very much and everything will be ok, and that he will always be there for me and said he will miss everyone and his garden and hugged me and was gone. I found out that my uncle had started his last heart attack at 4:44am and died at 4:48am. I haven't seen him since that night in 2009.

My special friend that has been with me since I was little isn't one of my family members. He messes with me at night. He will turn the computer off and on at night, hence the sleepless nights. I used to be scared of him but have gotten used to him. He feels like a man's presence so that's why I call him a he. He has saved my life a couple times. My guardian angel I guess. But there are nights that I feel complete anger or evil I can't decide between those two feelings. I have told my aunt and I guess my family had the history of seeing people that aren't with us anymore. But she hasn't heard of anyone in our family having a special friend as I call him. I have asked his name many times but I feel that anger and am silenced. I need to share I guess to people that won't judge me and might give me advice about it. I might be crazy I don't know. But I hold a job and don't take drugs or pills and am in collage. I am at the point of not knowing what to do anymore.