Why I am writing this I couldn't tell you, but if I had to guess it's because when you can't tell the people you know you need to tell someone. When I was younger I was awkward, shy and very much alone in my own way. My parents were divorced, my family was in ruins and I was hopeless in terms of making friends. Shortly after my 13th birthday I couldn't handle things as they were and tried unsuccessfully to end my life... I was too weak for even that.
About a week later I was lying half asleep in my bed when I started hearing a two voices talking, mumbled but in the same room, looking around I saw that some of the shadows were moving in reaction with each other. I shot out of bed ran for the door and found myself unable to open it, it wasn't locked or stuck but when I put my hand on the knob I couldn't turn it so I started screaming for my mother and stomping my feet trying to get her attention (she slept in a room below me).
In mid scream I suddenly cut off at hearing a clear voice as though just over my shoulder, the voice was melodic even beautiful and calming. It asked me to calm myself, while near hyperventilating and moving to a corner in the room trying to make myself into the smallest ball I could I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder and the voice asked me why I tried to end my own life, after a few moments I responded that I just didn't want to live.
The voice then told me that if I asked that he could help me achieve what I had tried and failed. When I didn't respond he said he could offer an alternative, I asked who he was and told me his name was Marchosias and he asked me if I knew him and I said no. He said he wanted to help me but the only way to do so was to give him a part of myself as to bond to me and I fervently denied him.
He then asked me if I enjoyed being weak and afraid and I felt a hand Grab me by the neck and haul me to my feet then slamming me against the wall, I kicked at the wall trying to make as much noise as possible and finding it did no good. Eventually he released me and I started sobbing against the floor. And he made the offer again, Death or the alternative. I chose his alternative.
The moment I agreed was and to this day still the most painful moment in my life, it felt like he had grabbed my spine at the base of my neck and proceeded to rip it from my body. I gagged, vomited and urinated on myself in the process eventually passing out. I found myself dreaming of things that not even the most deranged could imagine, I was walking down a back road with a sky that seemed black as night but could see everything around me with a light that seemed to come from nowhere.
The road lined with utility poles and on them the bodies of people were hung in strange contorted ways. Looking behind me there were two black wolves and couldn't tell exactly which but when I stopped to look they stopped a ways back from where I was.
I woke up the next day to my mother shaking me and asking me what had happened and if I was sick and why did I not yell for her or come down and get her. I told her that I had screamed and pounded on the floor and she swears to this day that she never heard a sound. Assuring her I felt fine she still insisted I see the doctor, after doing that he ruled it was a 24 hour flu that had run its course.
Riding home from the doctors I closed my eyes and heard that voice tell me that I will never be weak or afraid again but I was not to tell no one close to me what had happened. In the following days I still had the dreams, some worse some about the same but eventually they largely stopped except for one on the rare occasion.
I have indeed changed and He is a very active presence in my life, advising me, and not allowing me to be weak. It is a strange sort of relationship and I can do nothing now but accept what is and what will be along with finding out that Marchosias is a demon some years later raises a lot of questions about my mortality and what I believe.
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