Coming To Say Sorry?

In 1994 I had a whirlwind romance and we conceived a daughter. Like many whirlwind romances, we soon hit the reality ground hard, discovering we were not so suited afterall.

We parted on bad terms and I was left alone to bring up our daughter. The only contact we had was the monthly paid child support... And that I had to fight for years for. He had entered a new relationship and my mum and sister were my birthing partners. I gave birth to my middle daughter on Mother's Day and both of us were very poorly. After a while I got over the bad experience of our relationship and moved forward. Many things happened over the course of the next few years and I never put my ex at the forefront of my mind.

In 2008 I had secured two new jobs. One temporary, the other a well-paid permanent administration job. I was proud what I had achieved on my own. The house, car, etc., had been earned by my hard work and now my financial situation was even more secure.

I decided to celebrate. I'd experienced more than my fair share of ups and downs and tragedy. The last relationship I'd been in suddenly ended with the death of my boyfriend and my middle daughter had been diagnosed with a serious illness.

Since my parents' divorce, my mum has lived with me. She has been my rock. Although she retired after being diagnosed with breast cancer (she's now, thankfully, in remission), she has been the perfect mum and nana, looking after my children so I could work as many hours as I possibly could to provide my family with a good standard of living.

I decided to celebrate my new career by having a little party for just my mum and I. We listened to golden oldies music and enjoyed a tipple or five. I'm more or less tea-total, but didn't think one drink would hurt.

I certainly thought so the next morning. I felt sick, weak and ready to collapse. Worse of all, I needed to drive to a community centre to collect items I said I would deliver for a tidy sum. There was no way I was giving up money. I had to see this strange feeling out, but there felt more to it than just physical.

My nephew came with me to the community centre. The manager sitting at the desk looked at me in horror. He offered me a large glass of water and advised me to go home but I point blank refused.

The next day I felt better, but worse was to come. My exes parents live across the road from me and I hadn't noticed or realised they had spent the last few days in hospital with their son. He had collapsed and suffered a brain haemorrage. Realising he wasn't going to ever wake up, his life support was switched off. He was only 43.

My daughter and I were devastated and at a complete loss. My daughter was just short of her 13th birthday when he died. She had never known him properly as his current girlfriend banned him from having contact with her and another of his daughters.

The next few days were spent in a blur. Although greiving, his family went out of their way to comfort my daughter and spent a great deal of time in our house.

When my two eldest daughters and I had the house to ourselves one Sunday morning, my eldest - not his child - was in the kitchen talking about my exes father when a potato was thrown at her. She never said anything at that point. It wasn't until I was in the kitchen an hour later and had a fridge magnet thrown at me, did she reveal what had happened. We both thought the other was playing tricks when the objects were thrown at us, but when both rushed in the lounge, everyone was sitting down.

I discovered my ex had died at the same time I had experienced my sickly strange feeling. I have also felt a similar feeling when my friend died.

Whether or not he came to say sorry for hurting us, in my heart I have forgiven him. I'm also sorry to him for contributing to the fall of the relationship and hope he too, forgives me.

One factor does bother me about these odd feelings when people I once knew, die. I don't understand why I experienced my friend and ex slipping away when many people closer to me have passed without me experiencing anything? Your opinions are appreciated regarding this.

Thanks for reading,

Lakota73