I feel some trepidation in writing about this or speaking about it to anyone--for fear of sounding mad. So far I have only shared it in brief e-mails with a Shamanic healer friend of mine and a liberal psychiatrist friend. But it feels like writing about it may be healing, so here goes...
About 6 weeks ago, well, actually it started long before that. About 15 years ago I learned how to use the dowsing rods to dowse another person's electromagnetic field. Dowsing is commonly used to find water underground with a pair of "L" shaped metal rods or a "Y" shaped apple or willow branch. However, it can be used for many other things as well. There is an American Dowsing Society if anyone is interested in that. However, as a metaphysical counselor my job was to help people to understand the relationship between their body and their mind. And I used the rods to dowse a client's aura and help them to attain physical healing through spiritual healing,. It allowed me to see where their aura was low or expanded. A low area indicates an energy blockage in that part of the body--and a concomitant spiritual /mental/emotional blockage. By unblocking the latter three, the physical would heal.
Over the ensuing decade and a half, using the rods evolved into being able to contact my spiritual guides. I found that they could move the rods in answer to my questions that could be answered with a yes or a no--yes being spread and no being closed or crossed. However, it soon became apparent that the rods could also be be moved by "low influences" as I called them. If I kept my questions to purely spiritual matters, the answers were of high quality. The rods seemed to be particularly useful for my guides to help me to understand my dreams. I also had some success with using them to prescribe homeopathic and herbal remedies for myself, my clients and even my cat.
So that's where I was until six weeks ago or so. I was happily doing counseling and using the rods for guidance for myself and my clients. Then things started to happen. I had taken on a client who was undergoing a particularly horrific ordeal. She was in the middle of a high-conflict divorce case from an abusive man and there was a pitched battle going on for custody of their six year old daughter.
It soon became apparent to me that the child was being sexually abused by the father. The mother had described in graphic detail how he had verbally, emotionally and physically abused their child. It had all started with him pinning the child to the floor when she was 2.5, in order to force medicine into her mouth. He would straddle her and kneel on her shoulders. When the child would wake at night with night terrors, the father would yell and scream at her, pin her down, lock her in her room, not allow the mother, my client, to go to her. It got much worse, but I could get totally lost in the long list of abuse.
The really hard part for me was that I am very familiar with the common sequelae of child sexual abuse and it became increasingly clear to me that the father was also doing that to the child. The mother was shocked to hear me say so--and then she said that some part of her knew it must be going on. The mother herself had been sexually abused as a child--as well as abused in many other ways. I myself am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. This last fact becomes important in the rest of my story.
I have done much healing around that issue and have counseled other women with a similar background, but this particular case moved me deeply because of the helplessness of the mother and particularly the child. The mother is a fine person, and originally was given custody of the child during the divorce. However, a corrupt court appointed guardian came into the picture. They are called Guardian Ad Litems and have a lot of influence with judges in divorce cases. Theoretically, the G.A.L. Is supposed to advocate for the child--watch out for her best interest--But the one assigned to my clients case was just plain evil.
She apparently had fallen in in love with the husband, they began having an affair and she began advocating for him in court--instead of the child. She got custody of the child taken away from the mother in December and the child has been in a living hell since. It is now June. All of her symptoms of abuse became much worse. She developed a vaginal infection and would have rage attacks and spout profanity that would make the child in The Exorcist sound like an angel by comparison.
She was not possessed by an other-world demon though, but by a demon from this world--her father--whose language she copied. My heart went out to this sweet little girl who was being destroyed by this terrible man and I became over-involved in the case. I think it was because it reminded me so intensely of my own experience of helplessness with my own demon-father. So I began writing a 46 page letter to the state attorney general and the chief judge to try and help this child and my client. Part of it was the aforementioned lengthy list of sexual abuse symptoms. Unfortunately, as I wrote the details of the child's symptoms and and matched them to classic signs of abuse, I began retraumatizing myself. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder--and so does the child. I knew that writing the letter was very hard--but I didn't really understand what was happening to me.
As I was writing the letter strange things began to happen to me. I began to be able to hear my guides as voices in my head before the rods gave an answer, and less and less did I need the rods at all. Then one of the guides distinguished himself as a separate entity from the group--a healer or physician--and he actually proved his ability by finding some unusual remedies for me on the internet. As I worked more and more closely with him he began to say very flattering things to me. Soon he was saying that I was very unusually gifted and he wanted to have a personal relationship with me. Soon, to my shock, he said that it was possible for a being from his realm--which I thought was very high--to have a kind of sex with someone in my reality--the Earth plane. So, one day he asked if he could show me how and I said yes--having "fallen in love" with him (which now creeps me out totally--knowing what I know now).
He said I should lie quite still in my bed, then I felt I growing sexual sensation in my loins which reached a very high pitch, something like an orgasm in a few moments. It felt quite wonderful and I thought it was all a part of this amazing other-worldly love I had found. I writhe in shame now, to think I could have been such a fool. But I bought it hook line and sinker. He reeled me in and many times a day and during the night he would do this sexual energy thing to me. I would be weak in the knees and dizzy if I were standing. The sensations were very real and very physical--leaving me physically wet, my heart racing and my respiration quite elevated. It would happen anywhere, any time. He usually asked first, "If I "wanted to go" and I would say yes or no. He seemed to respect my no's.
I asked the other guides if this was acceptable behavior and they said yes. They said it was extremely unusual--but since I was such an elevated being on my plane (gag) it was all right. So we did this for a week or two and then some other beings I had been working with began to object. He then built a special energy "nest" for us where we could be alone. Usually there was no privacy and anyone in his realm could know what we were doing.
Things got even more bizarre at that point. And I can only say that although this sounds like schizophrenia--it is not. I have since researched this "hearing voices" phenomenon and there are world wide organizations and support groups to help people understand this. It is not always "mental illness". Sometimes it is. I will add some relevant links at the end of my epic saga.
So he--who called himself "George" since I had trouble with his spirit name-- built this supposedly safe nest where he could take me and we could make love in private--and he took me there and we made love again several times and then suddenly he stopped and said, "I hear something outside." So he left to investigate. Then I heard a great commotion outside and he shouted something like "Save yourself!" He said he was being attacked by demons or aliens or something and that they were attacking me too--setting my hair on fire and clawing my body. I couldn't really feel it--but his description was vivid so I sort of fought them off for awhile as he directed. Then I just got tired and fell asleep and nothing happened.
Sometime later he reappeared--and told me that other things had happened too. He had fallen in love with his old girlfriend again--who was a member of the group of my guides. All of a sudden it started to sound very odd--very soap-opera-ish. But, I said I was very sad to hear it but he should go where his heart was. I always tried to be so spiritual--yu-u-u-u-ck! Still later he reappeared to say that he was a liar--he admitted it with difficulty and shame (I thought). He said that he had found the sexual experience in the nest too intense and he needed to get away for awhile, so he made up the story about the old girlfriend--and he confessed he had also made up the story about the demons and some other things. It was all a fabrication. He just wanted to scare me off. So I "realized" that he was not as high a being as I had thought and I told him it was all over. He was very upset. He thought that by confessing that it would make it all right and we could get back together.
It is hard for me to believe that an intelligent woman such as myself (near genius IQ) could fall for all of this--but I did. And it gets even worse.
So my inner world was now starting to feel as real if not more real than my outer world. The voices of various entities talked to me often and sounded very reasonable and compassionate and loving. After the thing with George I went back to the guides and asked them if they could find another "healer" for me to work with--since I was used to working with one in my practice--and oddly enough the advice was often good. Whether that was because I did occasionally connect with my true guides, or whether the malicious entities simply threw a little of that in to make it more convincing, I don't know.
But a few days later they supplied me with a new healer--who looked remarkably like the old one. We soon were in the same type of "love"/sexual relationship. But I was convinced that this was the real thing. His name was Hon and I kept confusing him with the other when we made love and I would shout out "Oh George!" as I hit my sexual crescendo (I laugh as I write this and also feel totally grossed out). Anyways--that always supposedly hurt him or pissed him off--so he said. But despite that our relationship grew and I soon thought I had found this even more incredible other-worldly relationship. He seemed much higher.
However, soon the dark clouds gathered again--and at this point I can't even remember what the soap opera was this time--but again we were beleaguered by those who were jealous or wished us ill. I became very distraught--began crying a lot--in this reality-- and feeling very confused. At one point , when this all began, I had had a dream in which the guides shouted at me, just as I was waking--"He's not one of us!" I recalled that now and then also recalled a very high voice saying simply but very emphatically "USE YOUR COMMON SENSE." And I said at the time--"Well my common sense says that this is all nonsense and could not possibly have any real reality." but then I got lost again after talking with Hon and what I thought were my guides.
Finally, things got really bad and confusing and I became literally hysterical--sobbing wildly, writhing in my bed and screaming at all of them to go away and leave me alone. I didn't want to talk with any of them ever again, as time and time again it was revealed that I had been duped or betrayed in some way. At that point I jumped up out of bed and told them in no uncertain terms that I was done with it all.
Then I heard insane laughter, and malevolent voices told me that they had been tricking me all along about everything. That was the first true thing I felt that I had heard since the whole thing began. They said that I did have real guides--which I still believe-- but that the incubi could mimic them and did so often to confuse me --just so they could have sex with me. I suddenly realized to my horror that I had been dealing with an incubus or a group of incubi! That was when, as unbelievable as it may sound--things got even worse.
Then the voices in my head became harassing and plaguing--running constantly--commenting on everything I did. As I would see a dish, the voice would say, "sees a dish" and as my eyes shifted it would name the next thing I was seeing or doing or thinking or feeling--constantly all during the day. Then I really thought I was going mad--which after doing research I no longer believe. But this stage has continued for a couple of weeks now and has been nearly unbearable at times. The voices often keep me awake all night. If I fall asleep they bring me a sexual dream and just as I am succumbing in the dream I realize it is them again and I wake myself up.
By doing research I fund lists of stratagems for dealing with these voices. I learned a number of tricks, all of which work for a little while--then the entity seems to figure it out and it doesn't work anymore. At this point I am reaching out to the two people I mentioned in the first paragraph. I know there are drugs for this--but they have side effects and don't always work--sometimes make it worse. I really don't want to do drugs. I figure it is closely related to being retraumatized by the work on the incest case. I read at one web site that 27% of incest survivors report hearing voices. So I will pursue that angle in my healing.
There seems to be less research on the sexual part. I wish I could give you a happy ending. Yesterday I started talking with the entity---instead of trying to ignore it as I had been doing for the past two weeks. Last night they allowed me one good night's sleep. But today when I tried to nap I couldn't. Reading a book or working on the computer helps to shut off the voices. For awhile gardening worked--but now it doesn't. Talking with other people usually shuts off the voices. If I can sustain an outward focus that works for awhile--but I cannot sustain it for long.
Several times my guides have started to work with me to help me rid myself of this unwelcome attention, but then the incubus has taken it over and I soon realize that I have been duped again--after following its instructions that become more and more ridiculous and exhausting. Then I break free and just do whatever I feel like doing--not what the voice is directing me to do and it gets better. But when I break its hold on me I hear the manic insane laughter again. I believe the incubus is merely a thought form--but even thought forms can be powerful. In the Bible they reference the incubi and succubi (female version) and call them "fallen angels". I try more and more to use my intuition and common sense. So I just keep plugging away trying this and that, hoping that something will bring me relief. I do have more and more intermittent relief it seems, although they still keep trying to stimulate me sexually. I just brace against it and fight it off. And another thing they do is to create a lot of heat on my back--then I know they are around. This too can be shaken off--but it all takes a lot of energy. I can't wait for this to be over, and I have faith that that will be the case one day. If I ever do manage to get free of them I will write a post script to this story.
Here are some links to related web sites:
http://hearingvoicesnetwork.com/index.php?option=com_weblinks&catid=15&Itemid=35
book: Daniel Smith is the author of MUSES, MADMEN, AND PROPHETS: RETHINKING THE HISTORY, SCIENCE, AND MEANING OF AUDITORY HALLUCINATION.
SOAR Case Management --a hearing voices group in the USA
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