Not "Revelation"-'tis-that waits, but our unfurnished eyes -Emily Dickinson
I was in my early 20's and far from the city that I grew up in. I didn't have a family really. My parents had loads of problems of their own, for starters my father had molested children, other than me, and after I reported him, my mom blamed me for "tearing the family apart". I wasn't close with my family in the least. I think even adults need some sort of tie to a parent of parental figure. It was hard feeling like I was all alone in the world. Even though my parents couldn't love and support me and I had been a foster child, I had always felt like my home was Sacramento, because most of my growing up had been there. And I had been living far away from Sacramento for a lot of years.
Life was really rough on me, I didn't have a good education, so economically I hadn't been able to improve my circumstances. Eventually, grinding poverty and hopelessness got the upper hand and I started to entertain thoughts of suicide. Whenever I wasn't working or taking care of my dog, I would cry. My baby-dog Jelly Bean would look at me with great concern during these times. Finally, things got so bad that I even had developed a plan; how I would do it and how to find the best home for Jelly Bean.
One very sad day, I had the day off work and was laying in bed. I had my eyes closed, but distinctly felt that someone had just entered my bedroom. I was afraid and not sure how I could defend myself. I suddenly felt calm, and got the impression I was not to be afraid, or to open my eyes. I perceived the individual as walking across the room towards me. Suddenly, a massive and strong hand grasped my shoulder! I dared not open my eyes, but knew from my position on the bed exactly how he must be stooped over looking directly in my face.
The palm rested over my clavicle and the fingertips overlapped my shoulder, the dimensions of this individual must have been astounding! I had remembered my aunt Kathy telling me that Grandpa Quinn was a large man and had big strong hands. The fear melted away, my awe continued, but somehow I just knew I had to keep my eyes shut or the exchange would end. I began to feel so warm! The warmth began in the core of my body and began to radiate out until I felt I was glowing as brightly as the sun! I felt an amazing energy going directly from the hand and taking hold in my body. It was like all the love and happiness life has to offer was being poured into me. I felt very protected too, as if this individually was letting me know I was in "good hands"! In my dancing heart I felt that I had so many reasons to live! I had so much to give as well! And the desire to live and thrive overcame my suicidal plan.
Finally, I just had to see the face that belonged to this person, and I opened my eyes. As my lids flew open the hand disappeared, leaving me to look at a room completely empty except for my dog and myself. The energy remained though. Filling me with love and happiness. I had received a special, special gift that enlarged my view of life and my own purpose. I learned that life was larger than I had known, and that life was full of unseen angels. I had and have more obstacles in my life, but never-ever again did I feel I was alone and that my life was entirely meaningless or hopeless.
The great Poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote: "Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart, and learn to love the questions themselves..."
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