My mom passed away June 1, 2011. She died in a house fire; the newspapers deemed me a survivor of the fire because I lived there, but was not at home at the time of the fire.
Many traumatic things have happened since then. Babies have been born, cousins have died. I've been sick throughout my life. My mom was also abusive towards me. Now, as a disclaimer I must point out that she was severely mentally ill and we didn't know until I was almost 13. When she finally was diagnosed and got proper treatment and medication, she changed. She didn't hurt me anymore. I loved my mom, and I still do. As I said, I was sick throughout my life and each time I go to my doctor's office, I come home with a new medication or illness and each time my mom would hug me.
I was 26 when she died. I have since become disabled and my health is declining. You can attribute my experience to that if you'd like, but I know what I felt is real.
I woke up one morning, three months after my mom died, and I couldn't use my left leg. I was immediately distressed. I had been walking 8 miles a day, 3 days a week and to wake up and not be able to walk without assistance was devastating. After many appointments with my regular doctor and a neurologist, we still don't know what's wrong. I might never know.
I cried when I was told that there is no logical reason for this to be happening. It started a cycle of depression that I still have problems with that.
It's been almost 4 years since my mom died. Today, I was told I was having problems with my heart again. I was sitting in the exam room waiting for my doctor to let me know I could leave and I could smell my mom, and suddenly, that smell enveloped me and I felt her hugging me and I calmed down a bit. It lasted a few minutes, but once it stopped, the room smelled like rubbing alcohol again.
I have a teddy bear she bought me when I was 3 years old. She bought it for me the day she told me I was going to be a big sister. It's the only thing I have left that she gave me. I snuggle with it every night.
I love you mommy.
Loading comments....
The degenerative disc disease actually could account for the numbness/lameness symptoms in your leg; especially walking many miles often could have brought it to a head with gravity and the impact pulling the discs down and compressing them. Even a mild case can cause horrible symptoms in the legs. My case was severe from trauma, but everyone's nerves are different and each individual's symptoms can differ greatly. I went to many doctors, with incorrect diagnoses thinking I was crazy until I wound up in the ER having multiple surgeries. It could also be caused be other diseases, too long to list. Several of my relatives have diabetes, which can cause terrible neurological symptoms and lameness.
I was around your age was when I could start processing what had happened much earlier. It was indeed a process of fully understanding, forgiving, and letting go in order to move on unfettered.
It's just my belief that God gave me these experiences in order to learn certain spiritual and life lessons.
This belief helped me to move on from perceiving myself as a victim which in itself is a type of bondage. For me, forgiveness was the key to those chains and the weight of what I was carrying around.
I feel that all my experiences have been put to good use with helping my loved ones in their struggles.
If I had not experienced these things, I could not fully understand their physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and how to reach them or help.
Many of your life experiences are my own, minus a couple of decades so I do understand your path and feel you. You sound like a delightful, insightful, intuitive young woman. You looked past your own pain in order to fully understand your mother's actions, and you know that love is the key to overcoming past transgressions. Your life lessons, spiritual wisdom, love for others, and intuition will enable you to assist many during your life's journey.
May God bless you Ashley,
Lynev