Nothern Lights From My Brother

On July 12th 2013 my big brother decided that living on earth with the rest of us wasn't worth his pain. It was the HARDEST time of my life. I don't think I'll ever forget that day.

About 2 weeks prior to my brothers death, I found out I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter. He was the first person I called to tell. For more than one reason, I was so happy, but so scared. I was only 20 and while I knew my then boy friend (husband now) and I were in it for the long haul. I still needed my big brother to tell me it was okay.

Which is exactly what he did. He was happy, excited to meet his niece or nephew. He told me out of all our siblings I was the best suited to be a mom and other things to make me feel better. That was my last conversation with him. I got caught up in life, work, doctors appointments. I should say that I was still working night shift so while most people were awake I was sleeping. Making it harder to keep in touch.

Not a day goes by where I don't miss him. Where I don't regret that he never got to meet his niece. Where I wish that I would have just called him one more time to tell him how loved he is. How important he was to me. He was my only brother and even though he could be annoying with that "I'm the big brother, I need to protect my baby sister" stuff. I still LOVE him

That day... I was sleeping with my boy friend and I got a call from a number that I didn't recognize. Answered and was told that it was the police and they needed to know my whereabouts. I told them the address I was at and started freaking out because why would the police want to know where I was? When the officer arrived he asked for me to sit down. He asked me if I knew "my brothers name"

I said "yes... That's my brother"

At this point my boyfriend walked in curious as to what was happening. I hadn't woken him up as I didn't want to wake him. We worked together and he was my supervisor so he had a much longer shift that night than I did.

The officer hardly cared for the fact someone else came and said in a very matter of fact tone "well, he's dead"

I wish I was sitting down because when those words hit me I collapsed, I cried, and ran to the washroom to puke. I had extremely bad morning sickness (on the first half of my pregnancy I lost nearly 30lbs) the officer waited for me to finish and wanted to know if he had a history of depression and stuff like that. I told him the truth. I wanted to know how and the officer refused to tell me. He said he needed to speak to one or both of my parents. And right then... My mom called.

She was crying historically. She begged me to tell her it wasn't true. She said "he's only 21, his birthday is next month. He wouldn't do this to me" I told her that there was an officer that wanted to talk to her and passed over the phone. After the officer left I cried more. I knew I needed to get to mom's house. I called work to tell them that I wouldn't be able to come in. Couldn't even talk, my boy friend had to talk for me.

When we got to my mom's her best friend was there already, with my sister and nephew. They were all outside on the side walk. Every one of us was crying.

That night, mom and I sat outside talking about him. Telling stories about him, crying here and there. I laid down on the grass, and mom told me what she was told had happened. He was at a stampede party (Calgary Stampede is pretty famous here, 2 weeks in summer every year) and got crazy smashed, he and a coworker had rented out a hotel room. For some reason, they got into a fight or something and my brother wound up wandering the streets at some ungodly hour of night. He came to a bridge and texted the girl that he loved just to say that he loved her. Then he jumped.

Again with the crying, mom and I knew that he would have never done that if he was sober. He had a paralyzing fear of heights.

After I wiped my tears, I looked up at the sky and I saw the northern light. The whole sky was lit. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. For me it looked like the shape of a phoenix or a bird. I remember I said "that's him, it has to be him"

To this day I know in my heart that those lights were my brother's way of telling me that he was okay. That he knew I was going to be okay. In Calgary we hardly ever get to see the northern lights. I have worked nights since I was maybe 13. I have only seen them about 15 times. And they NEVER fill the sky. Usually its just a green hue that has thin lines dancing in the sky.