The Spirit Of My Fiance

I lost my fiance on July 9th, 2010. We were teenage sweethearts and he asked me to marry him when we were only dating a few months. He was the first man to tell me "I love you", the first man I made love to and the love of my life. We drifted apart out of unfortunate circumstances and came back together several times over the last 12 years. Ours was a very intense connection. I knew whenever he was in the room. I'd turn around, and there he was. We finally reunited last July after not being together for about 5 years. We were finally both mature enough for marriage and were very serious about our life together. We spoke every day about marriage and making "beautiful babies" together. The night before he passed away, he was so tender and sincere. He said that one day we'd get to the point where we would be able to communicate psychically to one another. I never thought it would be after his death.

Enduring the pain of his passing has been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with in my whole life. His mother called me that day and I was in shock. There we were, the two women of his life, clinging to each other alone but in a house full of government officials who were just "doing their job." At first, I just did not want to see him laying there. But after his mom went in, I gathered my courage and went in. It was so hard to see him like that. The room was so very, very cold. I could hardly stand it. As I went to him, I had a very strong emotion of knowing that he was not there in that body. He was truly gone. I placed my hand on his head and he was so cold and lifeless. I knew at that moment that there was definitely a place where we go after we die. How else could so much life and vibrancy so suddenly disappear? There had to be more than this. I had known this theoretically, but now it was so clear. I said in that room to him, that this body was just a shell and he was now free. I was so calm then. But soon after, I went back into shock.

I was so numb after this. For so many days after, I was in such disbelief. I still thought in brief instances that I could just pick up the phone and call him. When the realization hit me that he was gone, I would feel like I could cry forever. I wanted to just be with him on The Other Side. I felt I had nothing more to live for. I do still feel like this at times although I am getting "better" at handling this life after his death.

My first affirmation that he was with me came while I did an Animal Medicine Card reading with his father whom I just met when he came out to the funeral. His father told me that when his son was a little boy, he would play with the cards and pick out the otter card. He read the instructions to me and I shuffled the 72 cards several times then laid them out. I felt a tingle in my finger tips and of course, I picked the otter card.

The second came while I was meditating. I felt his fingertips brush my face while tears ran down my face. And I could smell him as if he was right there. I still do smell him quite a bit.

I then started having dreams about him.

And strong visions. I have felt him come to my work studio with a stern guide watching over him. I feel he is doing a lot of learning there on the other side.

Then the blue flashes of light and shadows at the corner of my eye.

The flashes were unlike the white flashes and I have seen since I was a kid. These were very vibrant blue flashes. Sometimes they have a white center. They will sometimes linger for a while. They have only appeared in this color since he crossed over. Sometimes they are HUGE. Like about three feet in diameter.

But the most intense confirmation was an experience I had one night about a month ago. I woke up to hear beeping and cracking sounds coming from a very particular direction in my room. I sensed there was some sort of machine in my bedroom. There was a sort of electricity in my space as well. Like little currents all around. Then I saw the figure of my fiance standing at the foot of my bed. (I just read a story about a woman seeing the dark shadow figure of her fiance at the foot of her bed and it gave me so much comfort in knowing this does happen. It is the reason why I am writing my story.) He was perfectly still. I could not see any features. It was just his Silhouette. He was in the pose from a photo I took of him 12 years ago that is by my bed. But he was filled out more and "looked" as he did when he passed at 29 years old. I just knew it was him. I tried so desperately to reach him and talk to him. Connect to him in some way. But he did not move at all. Every time I reached for him, my spirit came out of my body then fell back down. I could see myself on the bed. Then, suddenly, I was pulled completely out as if by some force. My fiance was not standing there. I was scared. I was being pulled through my closet by some force. I became very scared and so I came back to my body fully, opened my eyes and was breathing so hard and my heart was beating so fast.

I hate to say that a lot of my visions of my fiance since his passing have been scary. The flashes are fine and I know he is there. I will sense a very fast moving energy in my bedroom and when I acknowledge it, it moves all about. Then I will ask it to calm down and it stops in one position. I feel like he is an excited little kid or puppy when he knows that I can see or sense him. I feel he is trying desperately to reach out and communicate to me. But it is so hard right now. I want to see a medium, but I don't know who is best. So I've been asking my fiance to find one and send him or her to me through a sign. Still waiting.

I know he is waiting for me on the Other Side. I know that he is in "class" a lot and is also resting from a hard life. I miss him so much, but I feel he was like an alien to this life and had such a hard time for most of his life. I feel he is happy and waiting there for me to arrive one day. But each day that goes by where I feel like I will explode from not being with him, I wonder how I can get through these days without him here. This life is such a drop in the ocean when we see it from the Other Side. But right now, with these powerful emotions running through me, I feel my little drop is a rushing river that has no outlet to the sea.