Gary

This is going to be long winded because I have a 12 year background to explain the actual events that have taken place with this particular story, so please bear with me!

When I was 12 years old my brother brought over a friend of his named Gary who was 5 years older than me, he joined my brother, mother and I for dinner (a REALLY hot curry my father loved to make that we had left over and always had us knocking back iced water throughout the meal!)

Back then my brother and sister (both older than me) would often have their friends over and would hang out on the back patio, and I would come out every so often with nibbles and stuff for them, they'd let me sit down and talk to them/hang out a bit and I'd feel quite grown up for being the youngest one there. I used to chat to everyone there and Gary was there quite a lot.

By age 14 I had gotten to know my brother and sisters friends quite well (I pretty much had like 10 big brothers and several big sisters!) And our conversations would now go on a deeper and more intellectual level, Gary being one of the main people I would talk to about anything and everything.

When I was about 15 I was hanging out with everyone on the back patio, the night wore on and people were gradually heading home, I usually stayed up until everyone left to tidy things up so no one would get into trouble by mum and dad for making a massive mess, there was about 10 people left sitting around a table. Gary was sitting at the far end of the circle around the table from me and we caught each other's eye and he smiled at me, one of those "I really like you" smiles, I kind of shyly smiled back and we kept catching each other's eyes for the rest of the evening, everyone had left except for Gary and I had started to clean up, we were talking and I sat down next to him and he said to me "You know I can remember when we first met, it was me, you, your mum and your brother, and we had that insanely hot curry and you had those pink glasses on you used to wear (I wore contact lenses at this time) "

I really was taken aback he remembered all of that, and we ended up holding hands and kissing, and talking until the sun came up, he said he was confused about the age gap and I think he was sacred of my big brother too, but he really likes me and then he left.

After that we'd see each other at parties and gatherings and sneak off to a private place to talk and catch up, but the age gap was always an issue for him. My sister took me to a pub with her one night when I was 16 and Gary was there, I was talking about my School Ball (Prom/Formal) coming up and asked if he wanted to go with me, he said he didn't really do that stuff and he was sorry.

I attended a mature age campus at the age of 16, normal High School simply didn't agree with me, a guy from the campus made his intentions toward wanting to date me clear. And low and behold Gary popped up at a party and asked came over to my friends house I was looking after for a week. We started to kiss, and I said it wasn't right because of the guy from campus, and I didn't want to hurt or upset anyone, and him showing up out of nowhere was kind of confusing. After that I moved out of home at 16.

I hosted my sisters 21st birthday party when I was 17 at my house (living with that guy from the campus). Gary was there, finds me and pulls me aside, kisses me before I can blink, then gives me his address and phone number, and we stayed in contact. But I would never cheat on anyone so nothing sordid happened. We wrote a lot of letters to each other. I used to write a lot of poetry and short stories, and he was a musician and kept asking me to go to his gigs, but my boyfriend never wanted me to go anywhere like that, so I never did make it to one.

At 18 one of my brother's friends "Rob" hung himself and I phoned Gary to see if he was okay and we had a long talk about Rob and everything and he said he hated the fact I was with someone else and the conversation pretty much ended there. He got together with a girl shortly after that, I ended up leaving the guy from campus and moving back in with mum and dad. Another one of my brothers friends was there to pick up the pieces and we ended up dating, meaning Gary and I would still catch up from time to time, but we kept our distance.

The next few years we were like two ships passing in the night, Gary had a beautiful son with the girl he was with, and I went from one nightmare relationship to the next, we would see each other every so often at parties and catch up, but it wasn't quite the same.

I was 24 and my boyfriend at the time was a black metal musician and we got free tickets to the "Metal For The Brain" gig that was on. We were at the bar getting a drink and I turned to my left and I see Gary walking past the stage the next band is setting up on. I put my drink down and ran across to tap him on the shoulder. We hadn't seen each other for just over a year. He gave me a massive bear hug and lifted me off the ground almost. He told me he found his girlfriend and mother of his child in bed with his best friend a few months ago and how good it was to see me. We catch up for a few drinks, and exchange phone numbers. He leans over and says to me quietly "I'm not happy you're with someone you know?"

We text messaged and phoned a few times after that, and then things got a bit crazy for me. My boyfriend moved back to Melbourne, asked me to marry him and said he would set things up for us over there. He then started self mutilating himself and e-mailing me the pictures. Phoning me up saying we were over because he was going to kill himself, then call the next day and say he still wanted to marry me, and the next day we were over because he was going to kill himself etc etc. After a month of this I finally snapped and my friend took me to the emergency department because I had broken down completely. They admitted me to hospital for some "time out". The second day I was there, some girls came into the ward who we all thought were visitors, and they ended up stealing a whole pile of stuff, including my mobile phone. That was the only place I had Gary's number.

5 months after this I had moved back to my parents place, I was in the spare room, organizing my shoes and I heard the telephone ring. 5 minutes later, my mum comes to the door and tells me Gary had an overdose the night before and he has passed away. I remember just sitting on the floor and no words would come out of me, mum asked if I was okay and I said I was fine (I wasn't I was gutted)

About 7 or 8 months after the funeral, I was at a friend's house lying in bed in the spare room I stayed in there. I was thinking about Gary, about what could have been, and was he okay where he was and I started to cry. It was then I felt the sensation as though someone familiar was there in the room with me, even though my friend and his boyfriend were at the other end of the house watching television.

I suddenly felt a very soft "hand" stroke me down my left arm in a very gentle and loving/comforting way. I took a deep breath and asked out loud "Gary? Is that you?" and I felt the same "hand" stroking my arm gently again. I then felt this overwhelming calmness go right through my whole body, I felt peaceful and serene. It was then I realized that this familiar "someone" felt exactly like it felt when Gary and I would be together in the same room, even from accross a crowded room I could feel him thinking about me and knew he was looking over to find me and see where I was.

THIS was definately him with all of my heart, soul and mind I have no doubt of that, and it relieved me in a certain kind of way, to feel that familiar feeling of him again. After having to go through the sudden shock of losing him, and realizing how much we both had missed out on. That moment right then felt as though someone had rewound time and put both of our souls in a freeze frame and there we were together again. I said "thank you" out loud and told him I had never stopped and never will stop the feelings I have for him in my heart and as strange as it may sound, I didn't hear him say anything, but I FELT him give me that same sentiment back. An almost warm tingling sensation was going through my whole body, and it was so peaceful and safe, it just felt like... Him. I said good night to Gary and I drifted off to a very peaceful night's sleep.

Since then every few months or so I will be overwhelmed with thoughts of Gary and then I will feel like he is there with me, like that feeling you are being watched, only it isn't a creepy feeling. I feel that calmness and serenity go through me. I asked him out loud not to do the physical touching thing with me because it unnerves me when it happens, and he hasn't done it since. I will feel that tingling sensation a lot though, the back of my head will start to almost feel like it is buzzing, but oh so gently and definately not a poking or prodding. It's like that feeling you have when your partner or someone close to you is standing right up close to you and you can feel them even though they aren't touching you physically. I'll ask him questions sometimes and "sense" his answers, if that makes sense, like when you have a conversation with someone in a dream, only you aren't actually talking, but you are still communicating.

Last year I went to the conscious living expo, and had a reading done by a psychic there. She said she had a message for me from Gary (No I didn't tell her any details or anything). She said Gary said what happened was an accident, and not to feel sad any more. He likes it when I smile. He said he never should have turned down my offer to go to my School Ball, he regrets that a lot, and yes when I feel he is there with me he is there, he is watching over me and his son and family. He also said something about the football, but I never did get that reference. I think he watches his son play football maybe?

So now every time I am thinking of or feeling Gary around, I smile and thank him for caring enough to watch over us all and I strive to be the best person I can be so that when he sees me, he won't feel any sadness either.

And it's really nice to know that no matter what happens there is always going to be a soul out there that cares.