After My Ex-boyfriend Died

I'm from Philippines, but now I'm living in Canada with my parents.

My ex-boyfriend who's in the Philippines that I've been seeing since 2012, committed suicide on March 6, 2018 because of me. He shot himself in the head.

We were in ON and OFF relationship. At that time, we already broke up in almost 1 year. No communication with each other. I already have a new boyfriend and he also got a new girlfriend. That's why I was shock when I heard the news one day about what he has done. His family and his girlfriend said that even though we broke up long ago, he still couldn't get over me. That, I already knew, because as far as I and his family knew, based on his attitude towards me, he would have a hard time forgetting me.

When we were still together, my ex-boyfriend was so possessive of me. By possessive I mean literally possessive. I remember when he would say, if he's holding a gun, and someone let him choose if he would kill his own family or me, his girlfriend, he would rather shoot his family instead of me without hesitation. I also remember he also said that even if we already have our own child, he will still choose me over his own child. If we have a fight, even just a little, he will hurt himself by cutting his arm or any part of his body by using a blade or knife. He will write my name, on his skin using a knife or blade.

The night after I heard the news about him, I cried a lot. Well not because of guilt of me leaving him or that it's my fault why he did that, but because I still loved him. Still do.

So on March 7, 2018 in Canada, and March 6, in Philippines because of the timeline difference, I cried myself to sleep, and I dreamed about him. The dream is about happy time, It's a dream of what we really did when he was still alive and we were together. I was doing some shopping and then he was following me carrying my bag and stuff like that. He was happy in the dream. Smiling and laughing. I was in that dream when I suddenly woke up past 3am in the morning. The light in my room was out, I was staring at the ceiling of my room thinking about the dream. I was actually happy.

And suddenly, just suddenly, I remembered the promise ring that he gave me when we were still together. I don't know why but I have this urge of finding it and looking at it. So I turned my lamp beside the bed on, got up, and start looking in my bedside drawer where I remembered putting it away when we broke up. I looked and looked in my drawer but I couldn't find it. I even look on my study table and closet were I put my accessories and is still not there. At that time, I was thinking to myself maybe I lost it and felt sad. But I was sure myself, 100% sure that I put it in my bedside drawer after we broke up because I didn't want to see it and remember our old memories.

After 5 minutes of looking for it, I decided to go back to bed. I was lying on my bed, and was going to reach for my lamp to shut it off when I notice my hand. The promise ring that he gave me, is on my finger where he put it long ago.

03/23/18 - 5:24am (I set the alarm at 5:30am)

I was sleeping and woke up out of the blue because I felt hot and thirsty. Despite wanting to go to the kitchen to drink water, I stayed in bed because I was lazy to do so, and I want to go back to sleep immediately. I was lying on my right side, when I felt a sudden cold air rushing through my left side of the head. The sudden air actually made my hair above my ear move, like a wind was blowing in it. Resulting for me to look at my left side immediately, and there's no one there. The window and door is shut. The light is off, and so is the electric fan.

03/23/18 - 6:24am

Again, Same day... I was sleeping and suddenly woke up because of the sound from my phone (the call from my boyfriend last night is still on. We usually just let it on even if we fell asleep). My phone was under my pillow on my left side. The sound I heard from it is like when someone is typing on the keyboard of a phone that is not on silent mode. It's like someone is texting and typing on it. Like "click, click, click..." Really, you can think that someone is really texting. I thought it was my Boyfriend who's on the other side of the call, because my phone is set on a silent mode and there's usually no sound when your typing on it. I was half awake and reached for my phone. After I've reached my phone under my pillow, the sound suddenly stop. When I look at the time on my phone, I immediately woke up and started to get ready. I have a midterm test, and was going to be late.

03/23/18 - 4:10pm

Same day, Talking on phone with my Boyfriend...

ME: "early morning at 6:24am here and 3:24am there, are you still awake? Or you woke up early?" (My boyfriend is in Las Vegas, 3 hours different timeline)

BF: "No. I was still sleeping. I woke up 2:30am here. I heard your alarm clock ringing then it stop. I thought you already up. Then I go back to sleep."

ME: "yeah, I didn't woke up on my alarm... If your sleeping that time, who's the one typing or texting in your phone? It was so loud I woke up from it."

BF: "Mahal (love), I was still sleeping. And my phone is on silent mode. There's no sound when typing on it."

11/11/18 - 7:30pm

I just finish my work and went home... After I got off the bus, I was at a stop light, the signal to let the people walk was on so, I was walking on a pedestrian line to go to the other side of a road, when a sudden invisible force in front of me pushed me. The push was like some invisible hand or wind was pushing me back on both my shoulders, resulting in me to get out of balance. Luckily, my body has quick reflex and I actually prevented myself from falling to the ground by moving 3-4 steps backward. At that very same second after I move backward, a car suddenly rush in front of me and had gone, it's like the driver didn't even see anything and that he/she almost hit me. After that, the people behind me that time who's also going to walk through the pedestrian line start talking...

Guy1: "wow, the f*ck is wrong with that guy?! Are you okay?!"

Girl1: "he almost hit you."

Guy2: "It's good you have reflex, you suddenly moved back, I didn't even see the car coming."

That time, I was in shock and confused at the same time. I remember my heart was beating so fast I can hear it. I didn't move back because I saw the car was coming and it's going to hit me. I move back because someone or something, actually pushed me, out of the way.

I know, if I didn't move back that time, maybe I would in a hospital today, or you know, gone.