When I was around 9 I asked my mother an odd question, one that I still wonder why I asked. We were in her car, she had picked me up from my fathers, and we were almost at her house when I felt the need to ask "Was I ever born?" She chuckled as any mother would to a question so random, but eventually answered. "Yes, we have pictures," and with that the conversation ended.
I have always felt different, unique, as anyone would, only because we can only feel what we feel, think what we think, and see what we see. We are never capable of seeing eye to eye with someone fully, so as a human it's easier to feel special, because you are. There is no one like you. Yet, for me I feel there's something more to that. I feel like I am not me. Ever since I was 9, I never felt the same, my memories weren't mine anymore, they were that child I should've been or was supposed to be. This all comes to when I was approximately the age of 12, I saw him for the first time. My Shadow. I wasn't that creative back then and decided his name to be what he was, a shadow.
Let me first explain my relationship with my father. He's not a bad guy, until he drinks his body weight in liquor. Then comes that demon. I never tell my father anything, I keep my feelings inside, and I just sit quietly and hope everything would work out. Until Shadow came around. Again, I was around the age 12. He was just standing in the corner of my room, he seemed to be my age as well, or that's the feeling I got. I was of course, un-easy by this and just came to the conclusion that it was dark, I was tired, and I do have an overactive imagination. Then, he came back and I started noticing more, not in my room, but outside or places I went, but they were never Shadow, and they always were different. Like, other shadows were coming to take a peek at me... It got to the point that I needed to tell someone... So I sat my father down and told him. At this time I was about 14, just started high school. He just blew me off; telling me it was Satan commanding his demons to get me further away from the lord. Like my father was so close to God or something.
I eventually started to talk to Shadow, never getting an answer, but it was nice to have someone to talk to, I mean I had friends of course, but it seemed Shadow understood me more. I grew really attached to him, when I would get sad or mad or extremely happy it felt as if he was there, even if I couldn't see him I knew. I felt him. It's like having your own secret friend that would calm you down when you were furious, cheer you up when you were sad, and enjoy your happiness with you. It was nice... Then, I realized something during my senior year in high school... When I would date someone I would look for Shadow in there personalities. I know it sounds a bit out there, but even though he never spoke, I know who he is. I then came to the conclusion that my perfect guy would be the guy that was my Shadow, my forbidden love. I feel as if I was put here in this time to show people that they aren't harmful. Just because they're dark and different doesn't mean that they want to hurt you. What if they are human? What if they are just people from a different plain on this earth that are just more evolved then us, able to cross over to ours, and maybe we only see them as shadows because our third eyes aren't as developed as theirs. I feel a connection to these shadow people. But, I feel a strange connection to demonic entities as well. I feel that my soul is split in two, that I am fighting a war within myself and maybe that's why I've always felt different, unique. Maybe I am special.
As a child I would call the moon "My moon." Then I changed it to "My father is the moon." My friends finally got the nerve up to tell me that they've always felt that I wasn't born on this earth that maybe I was made from something and for something. They always tell me that I'm stronger then I think, but it's so hard to believe in all this.
I read these stories and just think what shams these people are, and here I am writing to you all. Am I a sham? Did I make this all up? I'm not even sure, but I could have. It could all be just my brain trying to make me something more than I am. All humans want to break of the norm. Be that special person to save the world. Is that all that I am? A hope, a story book? I don't know, I may not ever know, but one thing I do know, even if he doesn't exist, is that I am in love with my Shadow. Is this forbidden? Tell me how you feel...
Loading comments....
