Comments for Choices Of Life And Death: Page 1

Myst, the sad part is it wasn't a short trip - 5 hour drive. Even sadder is that I HAVE a go kit that includes everything including a portable kitchen sink. I took it out of the car to update some things and forgot to put it back in THAT MORNING. God bless my old brain...

Winter in Nebraska=Go Bag. Everything you wished you had, all in one bag. On your way out the door, grab & go. Especially those times you think, "Oh well, it's just a short trip." This helps save your sanity.

Caz - HUGS Back. We will have to agree to disagree on some issues. You asked a very important question. WHY did I share this with everyone. Some people think I need absolution or am seeking forgiveness or something. I assure everyone that is not the case. I have a strong faith and I know that the choice I made was the right one.

I have never hidden the fact that I have an affinity/gift. Sometimes I get... Nudges, tugs, sometimes outright shoves, to do something. Posting this story was one of those nudge/shoves. I believe someone out there needed to hear this. I don't know if this will surprise you or not, but I wrote this in less than a day, and let it sit for a day. I did not edit/beta or rewrite it in any way. I believe that whatever needed to be conveyed was done so during the original writing.

If the person who needed to hear this never responds in any way, I will still have faith that I did what I was supposed to do and the message that was meant was received. I haven't read what I wrote, except to skim it for accuracy. Seeing my pain and loss laid bare like that is staring down at a raw, eternally healing scar. I will always miss my son, always feel his loss, but the gaping, bleeding wound is closed now, filled in with light and love, but still a visible scar.

Maggie

RCRuskin, Thank you for your concern. I am fine. I actually went ton a repair call and got myself snow/weather bound from an unexpected weather front. I didn't have a suitcase, laptop or anything but my wallet and the clothes I was wearing. I didn't even have a phone charger. ROFL - You can bet that is NEVER happening again.

Maggie

DesertMoon - Thank you very much for your support. I agree with all that you said. My only regret is that it took me a long time to understand the gift I'd been given, first with Johnnie, and then by losing Johnnie.

Elizabeth62 - Thank you so much for your kind words. May the new year be bright for you.

Manafon - Thank you for your kind words, AND your interesting question. I hope the answer is understandable. My son was a spastic quadriplegic, He was unable to sit up, or even hold his head up by himself. He functioned below newborn level his entire life. He was tiny, barely over 38 inches tall. His bones were twisted from the muscular spasticity. I never saw him stand, or sit on his own. I never saw him hold his head up or look around.

The child I see now, over 27 years later, is perhaps the size of a normal six or seven year old. He sits in the seat with his head held normally, sometimes looking out the window, sometimes turned to me smiling. His limbs are no longer atrophied and thin with bones protruding, but well formed and with normal range of movement, his eyes, instead of moving in a random pattern of jerks now focus intently either on me or looking out the window.

Strangely, or the strangest part to me, is I can never remember what he is wearing. Its like a blur in my mind I can't bring into focus.

I hope that is an answer that helps.

Maggie

MrRiggs - Good to see you again! This was the story I mentioned before - the one I was feeling a 'tug' or 'nudge' to tell here. I still have no way of knowing why I felt the push, and I can only hope whoever needed to know this got what they needed. It truly wasn't my intent to ever share this here.

I wish my parents had felt the same way as you. Ugh and I have to admit, although the club isn't one I'd ever aspire to join, I am very glad I did. Were you on a large green terrace surrounded by trees, under a vast blue sky? I only ask because well, nobody I've ever spoken to has had that same experience.

Strangely, I do not cling to darkness or pain. In fact I am frequently told I have a very naive view of the world, childlike, and something of a Pollyanna. I always try to find a positive, because well, to be honest, I've been to hell and back and it's not a trip I encourage anyone to dip that low. A smile or a positive thought can work wonders even in the darkest days.

Am I forgiven? I don't believe it is that easy. I know I am not always right or in a way that the Being Who Blocked The Sun would approve. I believe I will answer for that, but I also believe that anything, any judgement, will be truly just. Believing in Divine Justice means that, while I may have earned punishment, it will be... EARNED and not placed on me by my parentage or by some snake in a garden.

MarvinScott - Marty - Thank you. Your response actually brought tears to my eyes. I did love him unconditionally and I still miss him with every beat of my heart. The small glimpses I am given are one of the most cherished blessings I have ever been given.

Thank you.
Maggie

Melda - thank you for you thoughtful and honest comments. I will have to respectfully agree to disagree with you regarding a young woman's choice.

I have absolutely no idea what happened to the meds and alcohol. None. I have had enough Paranormal experiences that I know things go missing and sometimes missing things reappear. Could I have left the hotel room door open and someone walked by and saw the stuff and taken it? Possible. Not likely - because as I said, I was determined to die. I don't remember locking the door, but it would have been in keeping with that mindset. But it IS possible.

About Johnnie being destined. Well, it is hard to say, having lived that life, I can't imagine what it would have been like without him. I will say that he completely altered what I had planned and was working towards. I had planned on being a linguist/translator for the military and I had been studying French and Italian for over five years to make that goal. I was planning to travel the world as a military translator. When I had to leave school because of pregnancy, I lost that future. After he was born, before I went back to school, I began learning to take care of him, and in the process became first an EMT, then later an LPN. I no longer work in the medical field. I can't stand to be around death because of my gift. I now fix computer hardware for warranty repair for the major manufacturers.

Yes Johnnie made me strong in one way, and yet in others, he stifled and destroyed other parts of me. Would I change having him? Having no knowledge of the other life I might have lived, then no. But... Part of me will always wonder.

Thank you again.
Maggie

Parallax - Your comment is dead on, in all ways. R*pe is about taking someone's power from them, taking their choices and forcing them to submit. In the case of Johnnie's sperm donor and in the acts of my parents, that is exactly what happened.

Holding him to life longer than I should have, is something we will have to disagree on. Until that last few days all of the doctors and professionals said he could get well, that he could be as he had been. Only after the complete failure of his lungs and heart, and the dramatic decrease in brain function was the possibility of him not getting better broached. Perhaps they were simply trying to comfort me, but I truly thought he would get better.

As for the Creator... I did not get a sense of gentle loving warmth. I felt a sense of purpose, a sense of justice, and... Detachment. The Being that Covered the Sun wasn't personally involved or empathetic. I would turn over any decision in my life to that being, because it was completely unbiased, unshakable, and I know down through every cell of my body that no matter what, it would do what was right or best for it's own plan, no matter what my personal feelings were. It wasn't bogged down or clouded by emotions - mine or it's - it was cold and clear - I have no other way to describe it. I actually think that God (not Jesus but GOD) would have to be that way. The Creator has a duty as the father of everything to do right by ALL of creation not just one heartbroken young woman. I believe that the others were there for that. The Creator had other things to do and only stepped in when my thoughts pushed me further from the path I had to take to do it's will.

I sincerely hope that was clear.

RCRuskin - LOL to the fantasies. Thank you for the kind thoughts for myself and my son.

Jubeele - As always, you make me smile. Thank you so much.

Happy New Year to you and yours Maggie and all other members of YGS. Hoping 2018 will be a better year for everyone!

Everyone! I apologize - I am not/was not ignoring you all. I have been snow bound without any kind of access to the internet. I've just gotten home today (New Years Eve). I don't have much time today to respond to all of your kind posts, but I promise as soon as I am caught up I will post responses to everyone. *Happy new year wishes to you all.

Just to clarify... My last comment was something I meant to include in my long post to Maggie, as she had expressed her views on the matter quite strongly, but I forgot to add it... Hence my second post. Apologies to anyone who was upset by it. That was certainly not my intention and you can rest assured, it will be my last word on the subject.

Oh...one more thing I wanted to say re abortion. I do think that women should have to right to choose, but I also think the 'waiting' or 'deciding' time is far too long! Unless there are exceptional circumstances, I think it should be around 10 weeks at the most or at least before the baby can feel pain or fear, but the worrying thing is, that opinions seem to vary widely about just when that time is.

Parallax - "Rape" is such a strong and violent word that it should never be used in context of any pregnancy, no matter the circumstances surrounding that pregnancy, for it automatically condemns both mother and child. No child should be thought of as a "rape" for they did not choose to be conceived. They are innocent. There are reasons for things that are beyond our understanding, but a woman forced to carry a pregnancy and not allowed her own choice is also a topic beyond the scope of this discussion as well.

Maggie...First I want to say that as a young girl just turned 16, I doubt you could have understood the consequences of having an abortion, or how many, many women who chose that path have lived to regret it to a greater or lesser extent. I don't speak from personal experience, but I have read endless stories of women whose lives have been ruined, or at least marred by the experience. I doubt there are many left unscathed and of those that are, your loving and caring character seems to suggest you could never have been one of those. I do believe that women should have 'the right to choose', but you were not yet a woman... You were a child. I think your parents did the right thing by refusing to allow this child to be aborted. Instead, you had the chance to know and love and to be known and loved in return by your beautiful baby boy. Think how you would feel today if your son had been born to grow into a healthy young man? My guess is you would be so thankful not to have had the sort of parents who would have been only too happy for you to end the pregnancy! However... That was not to be and I am so very sorry. I do not think your parents had the right to call you a murderer or a slut. I know they would have been very upset at the loss of their grandson, but I hope they will have come to realise over the years that they were wrong!
I have children too Maggie, but never had the misfortune to lose one thank God and I can't even begin to imagine the pain I know you must have endured and the sheer courage it surely must have taken to allow your precious son to leave you. Oh God...I'm blubbing again! I believe you did the right thing and you certainly didn't deserve the shoddy treatment from either your parents or your partner. I'd like to think I would have the strength to do as you did in those circumstances and I'm so glad you didn't kill yourself.
One thing that does puzzle me is why you shared this with us? You say you feel neither shame nor guilt, yet it does seem you are holding yourself up to be judged! Just remember that last visit you had with your son when your pills disappeared. It seems obvious he still loves you and what you did for him was an act of pure love! You set him free! So if there is anything on your mind Maggie... Then it's time to let it go and make peace with yourself! ((HUGS))

Maggie, I hope you're okay. You've been a bit quiet, since posting this, but not in the way that Roopa's been quiet.

Hope you had a good Christmas and will have a good new year too.

Maggie, I am sorry you had to go through so much. Although I have not suffered such a loss, I know many who have, and can only imagine that in losing a child you loose such a huge part of yourself. The grief is no doubt unbearable. No one is judging you for making a decision to let your child go so he could be out of pain and at peace.
Your experience of being in a parallel plain and then subsequently discovering your pills and alcohol were missing comes across as a strong message that you have a purpose in life to fulfill, and you have followed whatever advice your higher power was trying to tell you.
My personal belief is that those suffering the greatest loss and adversity either go through life afterwards bitter and angry at the world for the unfairness of it all, or gain a new respect and appreciation for life that can only be bestowed on those who have experienced similar travesties. Such seems to be the case with you. It is an ironic gift, obtained through terrible circumstances, for you are now able to see things from a higher perspective and therefore have become a much stronger individual for it, even if you think you aren't. Please don't be hard on yourself. You did not make the decisions you made lightly, but try not to regret, for you did what you knew in your heart was the correct choice and was an act of love.

Maggie, I'm so sorry for your pain of losing your baby. I don't believe in prolonging the misery your son was in. I believe the Lord above had wanted him home and the machines refused to let him go. And the angels showed and allowed you to see what you could have missed if you had taken those pills. Besides he now has siblings!

Maggie - Thanks for sharing such a personal and difficult account. So sorry for the pain you have had to endure and the loss of your young son. I have been thinking about the vanishing pills and whisky after your consciousness was directed back to your hotel room. There are many, many accounts here on YGS that detail objects going missing seemingly by paranormal means. These can vary from small knick knacks to larger items and clothing. Often these items never reappear. I see no reason that whatever force is capable of such an action wasn't literally removing the tempation from your physical proximity.

I did have a question too. You state that you sometimes see Johnnie in the car seat next to you. Does he appear to you at the age he passed away or does he seem to have aged a bit? I ask this because often when a child dies so young, when they appear to a loved one they are often reported to look as they might if they hadn't passed on and had continued maturing physically. There are many instances of this that have been noted, several here on YGS.

Thanks again for sharing your painful memories.

The Christmas/New Year period does bring out more than its fair share of raw feelings and trigger points. Years ago, I decided to leave an abusive relationship on Boxing Day. Not a happy memory.

RC - please write to me if you need to. My YGS email is also in the body text on my profile page. I do understand...

Dearest Melda - when we do meet up, I reckon we'll talk for a week non-stop to get everything out of our system!

And Maggie, remember that you're strong and beautiful and much loved. Your cherished memories of Johnnie will always be there to keep you wrapped in warmth and comfort. Your faith will also see you through.

Loving thoughts and well-wishes to all. ❤ ❤ ❤

Maggie...

My heart breaks for you. I cried my eyes out as I read this, as I could not imagine having to make the decisions you had to make regarding your son. Nor can I imagine having to shoulder the burden of the behavior from people who claimed to love you.

I don't feel you'll receive much condemnation here, but much support for your loss. My sincere condolences.

God forgives all things, Melda. And I try to forgive all things also, so apology accepted. And I'm sorry for my part in the misunderstanding. I was trying to comprehend Parallax's statement.

And as an aside, it has no relevance to this tale, I have been raped twice.

But to the point, imo: searching for justice without also desiring mercy just leads to vengeance, mob rule, and innocents being murdered.

Maggie I'm so sorry that you went through such a tragedy. Especially without your family's support. You did everything you could and I'm glad that you were stopped from taking your own life. I truly believe that those of our loved ones that pass are our angels. And they come to meet us when it's our time to go to the next plane. My mother was very ill and we didn't tell her that her younger sister had passed. That was my sister's decision and I disagreed with it. The funny thing though, was my mother started having conversations with Dorothy and insisting that she was standing in the corner waiting. There is more to heaven and Earth than what we see and feel. I hope that sometimes you feel him near. ❤

Emma

RCRuskin - I know you didn't say it and I apologise. You just left me with the impression that you agreed with his opinion. Maybe you do think he's right, I don't know, but no hard feelings. It's a very sore subject with me. I've never personally been in that situation but somebody close to me has, so to a certain extent I speak from experience because I was around when the whole situation took place and I know the pain it causes. Abortions should never happen if they can be avoided. Sorry, I'll probably get a lot of down votes on that but I've got broad shoulders.

Regards, Melda

Welcome to the the club for "Those who have been to 'Other Side'." Once experienced, the encounter is never forgotten. You are forever changed. You have done the best thing possible... You have told your story to the world. That takes a lot of heart and substantial courage. You are to be commended, not criticized.

That you removed life support from your baby is not murder. An infant without properly functioning lungs cannot oxygenate its bloodstream to continue the functions of life. Yours was an act of mercy. That you felt such great love and deep grief tells me you placed your child's welfare above your own. You displayed remarkable strength and great personal courage in making that decision.

Those that called you murderer were in an emotional state and erred in their choice of words. Murderers are arrested and go to trial. There is no criminality assigned in stopping optional life support. Had you not made that choice it would likely have been made for you.

No one on earth has the right to judge your actions. A higher power exercises that right exclusively.

In December of 1989 I spent 40 minutes on the other side; much of that encounter was confrontational. I was the one being confronted with the actions of my life. When the experience was over with I found myself in my bed. I could not arise for 3 days. I lay there weeping gently, having been in a holy place with holy beings.

Later I noticed I felt oddly different. It took some time to sort my condition out. Then it became clear. I had been forgiven.

I believe you were forgiven as well. You had a very hard time during the formative years of your life. You will not forget the experience, but it is time to let some of the darkness go. You were found not guilty by the highest power and given the opportunity to move on with the rest of your life. You should do that. Your son is in the best of hands and you will see him again.

Your previous posts indicate you have been given paranormal gifts. I suspect you have a future with purpose. The timing seems right to focus on what is to come.

The Almighty has a lot of love for you and absolutely knows who you are. You will never be alone. I hope you find comfort in that as you make your way through life's journey. Be of good heart.

Melda, please do not complain to me about it. I'm not the one who said it.

Melda, having read, and reread Parallax's comment, I don't believe he is saying Maggie was raped. He said, quote, "Forcing a person to have a baby is rape, simple enough." It's his opinion, and I think he is saying that denying the abortion possesses equivalency to rape.

Maggie, I will not address the issue of abortion or whether it is right or wrong, as that is not what happened in your case. The fact that you had your baby and loved him with an unconditional love is what matters. There is the old adage, "If you love something you let it go..." I can tell from your post that it was literal soul wrenching to make the decision to remove him from life support. You stated several times that you could see the pain and fatigue in his eyes. Your decision to let him find peace, even as your grief was incomprehensible to anyone in your family is heroic to me. A mother's love is unconditional, and for that I fail to see where you would stand in any judgement. Love also transcends the grave my friend, maybe that is why you still see and smell him occasionally. God bless.

Marty

Parallax - What the hell are you talking about? Need a slap about the ears 😠? Next time read the OP's account carefully. Where did she say she was raped? In any case this has nothing to do with the gay community. Not that I have a problem with them but just saying😳

Maggie - Firstly I have to say that I can understand that you went through hell and back. I have no other way to put it.

You asked for honest replies and I'll give you my very honest replies.

I would definitely not have allowed my 16 year old daughter to have an abortion. I can say that for a fact because I raised an extremely pretty, popular daughter and I worried myself silly about her. I didn't try to lock her up and keep her in a chastity belt because she deserved the freedom to go out with her friends and to enjoy her young life, which she did. Yes she had to stick to curfew times when she went out at night but how much of a difference does that actually make? What might happen at midnight can just as easily happen at noon.

I remember having an argument with work colleagues on the very subject of abortion when I said I was 100% against it. Of course I was asked, okay what if your daughter gets pregnant, different story then. I said no, not a different story. She'll take a year off school, I will look after her baby, she can continue with her studies and when she is in a position to look after her child she can do so.

Fortunately none of that happened but if it had, I can give you my word that that is exactly how things would have panned out. I believe that a fetus has a soul at the time of conception. My belief - I'm not asking anybody to agree with me. This belief that I have has nothing to do with religion. This whole argument can go on forever when it comes to rape but I would prefer not to go there. I have an opinion on that but it doesn't belong on this forum.

A 16 year old is little more than a child and does not have the maturity to fully comprehend the importance of such an enormous decision.

Taking Johnnie off life support? I would never judge you on that. You were there, I was not. I don't know what his chances of survival would have been if he had been kept on life support for a few days and if he would even have survived without it after that. I wonder whether any medical practitioner would even have had an answer for you. I must say Dr Graves doesn't sound like a very caring person.

I think that the pain you felt was intolerable. Try as I might, I cannot put myself quite there. I can imagine it, because I almost lost one of own children due to an unknown virus, but I don't believe that many people could even begin to feel your despair and heartache. No, I don't blame you for letting Johnnie go and I believe he was, and is, better off for it. Why force suffering on somebody you love so much?

The occurrences in the hotel bedroom seem a little unreal. I understand you seeing your son, having the feeling of holding him and somebody guarding him.

As for the medication and the alcohol disappearing. Don't you think that those could have been removed by a living person? I'm not suggesting that you were "high" or drunk or anything of the kind but quite honestly, you had been through an extremely harrowing experience. I won't even try to offer an opinion on that aspect because I don't know what might have happened.

What I can tell you is that I will be reading every comment on your account because it has touched me so profoundly.

Lastly, please tell me very honestly: Have you accepted the fact that you were never meant to have that abortion and that Johnnie was meant to be, so that you and he could grow spiritually? Don't forget your parents who supported you (no matter how they might have chastised you at the end of it all), they also had to undergo that experience.

You are one strong lady Maggie and to a large extent you can thank Johnnie for that. I don't doubt for a moment that he looks down and thinks, geez what a great mommy, she gave me a chance to be there and was prepared to let me go when I had to.

Regards, Melda

Forcing a person to have a baby is rape, simple enough. There are some people that might disagree with my politics about that, but the same people used to think gay men deserved to be sentenced as felons: I was lucky enough to survive that era of my life, but I did, for better or for worse. I'm not going to wreck my health by carrying around bitterness in me over it, though, and neither should you.

I think you were right to love your child, though. Nothing about his existence was his fault, and you knew that. He deserved to be loved as much as you did. Good show, there.

You held him in this life longer than you ought to have, though. He wanted to go. Forcing a person who chooses to leave this world to stay in it is as evil as murdering someone that chooses to stay in it. I am glad you made the right choice in the end.

Send judgment up to where judgment belongs is what I would suggest. Judging yourself is no better than judging others, and you can see how badly both of those sins affect your health.

Dear Maggie, that was such a difficult and painful decision. My heart goes out to you. It's deeply saddening that instead of coming together as a family to comfort each other, yours chose to grieve by allocating blame.

Take heart in knowing that you're still very much loved. You were gifted with the chance to say farewell to Johnnie. He knew your love for him and loved you in return. I'm glad that Someone watched over you too to make sure you came to no harm.

It is one of the hardest things to watch a loved one suffer. I do not believe it is anyone's right to judge you for your choices. That is up to God or the Higher Power you believe in. And I know that Being is just, merciful and kind. ❤

Why am I chopping onions so early in the morning? 😭

Maggie, I truly believe there is only One who could sit in judgment on you. It is not me, and from your narrative, I believe you already know the sentence handed down.

May your son's Memory be Eternal.

As for the other things: whether abortion is a right or not, it is the mother's choice first and last. Others may offer unsolicited, and unwelcome, advice, but they should remain loving after the choice has been made. It breaks my heart to hear your family failed in this regard.

I pray that this coming year, 2018, be the year people finally come to their senses. I believe in other fantasies too. 🙄